Thursday October 22, 2026

I don't know why I'm doing this, nobody is seeing these posts but somehow it's like a discipline I want to keep practicing so here we go.

What do you want?

I ran across that question yesterday. Seems harmless right? But in terms of your big life questions, what do you want?

If you'd read my journals you'd see I often pray about wanting more of Jesus, wanting him to guide me, lead me, hold me, and show me the way. Today, as I sit here I have to ask myself if that is truly what I want. Am I practicing the things that take me to the place I think I want to be, the place of being completely surrendered to Jesus, the place of being his disciple and or am I practicing how to be a disciple of Kris, of Netflix, of my exercise regime, of the things I decided were important for a middle-aged woman living in the middle of the United States?

Do you see where I'm going with this? What I say I want and what I live may be two very different things. I think this is where the rubber hits the road so to speak. Christian 'speak' is pretty easy around these parts. A lot of people are doing it, or more accurately, are speaking it, but where are the examples of people who are actually living it? I'm not sure.

If I truly want to be an apprentice of Jesus why wouldn't I practice fasting for example? Why wouldn't I be chasing after holiness and seeking opportunities to cleanse myself of and confess sin? When I stop and take inventory of my life thus far, the things that have most occupied my time and thoughts are more about me and my personal desire to be seen and admired. I think it is safe to say Jesus has not been my highest priority. I've been good but have I been holy?

These are deep thoughts and things that can't be dealt with quickly. I need more time, probably more reading and most certainly more prayer.

LORD,

What do I do now? I think this is a confession and it's feels a little scary. What now? Repentance? How do I repent on a Thursday?

This all feels like truth. This feels life-changing and yet time is ticking away. The day is impatient and I don't know what to do with all this.

I need your help. I need more time. Show me what comes next.

Guard my words today. Guide my steps.

Thank-you for hearing me, seeing me, and for bringing me here.

Amen.