Thirty Three!

Would you look at us? Del has hair! My hair is still the same!

We were so young, absolutely clueless but unknowingly full of hope.

Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary. Thirty-three years. Has it all been bliss?

Let me see. Marriage has been the best and the worst. I've done my duty, am doing my duty, but is marriage all about duty? No, but it is a big part of it. I absolutely love Del and would do it all over again but if you press me and ask if I'm completely fulfilled there would be a hesitation, a wondering, a longing. Why? What is that about? I'm not sure actually. It could simple be my soul in it's simplest form, but it could also have something to do with the romance novels I read, the rom-com movies I watch and the social media algorithm that thinks it has me figured out.

I don't know. It is simply there.

I do know that romance dies. Does that sound morbid? I don't mean it to. I think duty tamps romance down. I think the responsibility of life and the concept of romance may perhaps be like oil and water. We also hurt each other and past hurts, although forgiven, are not easily forgotten. Well-worn paths turn into ruts and sometimes ruts are easier than the fight you need to pop out of them. Aging also changes a body and living with someone for 33 years makes habits, at one time cute and even alluring, absolutely annoying and impossible to ignore.

All of the above is true. What is also true is how romance morphs into deep devotion. Duty and responsibility together with honor and respect, turn into something solid, a reliable foundation. This foundation not only supports each other but children, friends, and extended family. I'm telling you this solid foundation, although mostly taken for granted, is absolutely necessary for everything.

So. What would the me of today tell the bride of 33 years ago?

Hmmmm.

1. This isn't going to be what you think. It will be better and worse.

2. You're going to change. I know you think you're a grown up but I promise you you're going to become someone you can't possibly imagine right now. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Honor yourself every step of the way. If you can figure out how to do that, figure out how to shut down all the voices inside that want to make you doubt yourself, you will save yourself a ton of hurt and heartache.

3. Del is going to disappoint you. He will. It's OK. You're going to hurt him too. Don't forget about grace. Be generous with it. It may feel completely wrong to extend grace, especially when you know you are right, but holding on to being right can sometimes hurt more and cause more damage then simply extending grace.

4. Try to have fun. Duty and responsibility are going to hit like a tsunami and at first you're going to be better at it than Del. Know that. Do what you have to, but instead of drowning in the wave, remember to pack your surfboard. Ride it. Try to enjoy it. Search out fun where you can.

5. Don't forget you are not alone. We are all in this together. No one will have the same relationship as you and Del but you need friends. Always have friends! They will give you things Del can't and they will help you fight against all the stuff that can eat you up and swallow you whole.

6. Find time to be alone and do not ever feel guilty about it. Alone time is where you learn to love, honor, and respect yourself and it's vital. Do it!

7. You're going to get scared and you're going to want to create an action plan to fight it. Please know it is sometimes okay to be afraid. Instead of rushing in and acting on something, it may be best to simply be still and wait. Fear can only kill you if you let it, but it can also be a path to greater understanding, deeper faith, love and all manner of good things. So sit with it. Feel it. Listen. Trust God to be there with you even if you don't feel him. Believe in the truth that this too will pass. God will show you a path, it might not be easy or where you want to go, but believe it will be for the best. The difficult things usually are.

I'm fairly certain she would not believe or trust a word of this but, oh well, I think she'll figure it out eventually.

LORD,

I wish I knew how to pray, what to ask for and what to cling to. I'm not sure I do, not right now anyway. Help me to trust you with all of it. Prepare the way for whatever comes next and may you be glorified through it all. Thank you for my marriage. Watch over all my precious ones.

Amen.

Oh! One more thing. Weirdly you will start kind of looking and thinking alike. Strange but true.

Del and I at a St. Paul Saints game this past summer. Even with my eye patch (my retina detached) we eerily look similar.