Today

Del got home yesterday and announced the thermometer on his truck registered the outside temperature as 91 degree Fahrenheit.

So weird. Not even enjoyable. Naked trees and grass not quite green don't partner well with July temps. The landscape, well everything really, feels odd, looks stunned, almost as if the earth itself has no idea what's happening or what to do about it.

I think I kinda get it. The world indeed feels a little odd and I think 'stunned' is exactly the right word for how I'm feeling right now.

Last night, I had my hands in warm soapy dishwater, cleaning up after our supper of stir-fry, which was yummy by the way. I had music on and honestly I was delighting in the moment. My day's work was over, the house felt put together, under my control again as I had spend my day cleaning. And then. The song I was singing along to hit me and the tears began. I can't even tell you what song I was listening to or what the exact words were, I just know what the sadness felt like and how the tears changed the sound of my voice as I sang along.

Tomorrow I go back to work and the thought of returning to work feels more like an ending rather than a beginning. The whole journey we've been on from getting home to help mom with dad, to our hospice experience, to dad's passing, to the visitation, the funeral, my siblings being all together, Wellesley, Norm, Crosshill Mennonite, all the Mennonites, all of it is over.

And

I want to hold onto it longer. It was difficult and lovely. It was a wound and a healing salve. It was the present and the past. It's difficult to leave it, to turn the page, go back to 'normal' but tomorrow is almost here.

LORD, I don't know how to pray or how to think about any of this. Don't forsake me. Be here with me. Give me wisdom for here and now.

Amen.