Loving Them

Dreary, dreary day today. It's been a dreary string of days. Rain hangs heavy, threatening but not yet falling. The view is melancholy with a hint of cozy and my soul is soaking it up.

I'm sitting at a small table in our kitchen, staring at a bulletin board full of us. Our story told in goofy photos we sometimes point at, say the words out loud, hear the familiar story, and laugh. A story of us that was and is still becoming.

A bulletin board of joy but right now, by myself, a bulletin board of a bit of heartache. I want to go back. Oh, how I'd love to go back for just one day. I want to do better, hold them longer, listen to all their words, cuddle, play, and savor the miracle of each of them.

But I can't can I? It doesn't work that way.

I am loving them the best I know how in the right here and the right now. I cry out in prayer for them. I ask forgiveness for all the ways I hurt them, all the things I didn't do and can no longer, all the ways I failed. Letting go of the guilt and regret is a circular task, but I know it is a load too heavy to carry. Saying thank you for who they are, the story we lived, all the good, the bad, the ugly, and for the story we are living is as essential as air. Believing God has them firmly in his hands and is loving them perfectly and completely despite the mistakes I made and will make in the stories not yet told is a practice I work to perfect.

Lord.

My mother's heart is all of me. I long to hold my babies and give them everything. But I can't. My babies are babies no longer and they are always and forever yours.

Thank you for each of them. My precious babies. My precious babies no longer.

Thank you for who they are today.

Hear my prayers. My one word prayers - Help!, Please!, God! - are they enough to sew together a holy covering to wrap each around each of them?

Pour your Spirit over each of them.

Protect them.

Tuck them in.

Guide them.

Heal them.

Hear them.

May yours be the hand they reach for.

May yours be the footsteps the choose to follow.

Hear my prayers Lord.

Hear my prayers.

Thank you Lord. Thank you.

Amen.