The Beauty

She looked in the mirror and hated herself. Nothing about her was right. Not. One. Thing. Her hair was too curly. Her nose was too wide. Her acne was ridiculous and if she could just pop that one zit in the middle of her nose then maybe she wouldn't look like a witch - at least for now.

Braces. Glasses. Yep. It was all there. She had it all and she hated herself, absolutely hated herself.

Everyone else was pretty. Everyone else had normal hair and normal eyes and normal teeth. Everyone else knew how to talk to others without saying stupid stuff. Why did she always say stupid stuff? Why was she so shy? So awkward? So wrong?

She was so precious. She still is. Precious but angry, frustrated, yet alive and well deep inside me. I'm not certain she will ever disappear. Some mornings I think I glimpse her and when I do I ask, "Do you see this? Look. The acne cleared up. Can you believe it? Your skin looks good. You look good. You are good. It really and truly is all good."

I smile. Does she? I can't be sure. Honestly I'm not sure she will ever believe she could ever be the beauty. Beauty is not a word that belongs to her. Years separate me from that angry, frustrated girl, but it appears she is not going anywhere. Some days she speaks up and points out all my flaws; my aging skin, my dark eye circles, my frizzy hair, my weight gain, and all the cellulite in all the places. She can't seem to help herself. Maybe some lessons can't be unlearned?

Some days I stand condemned and she's right there beside me.

I do not have answers or a even a list of ten steps to re-train your inner adolescent, but I do know some things.

It takes courage to be a woman. You have to be a fighter. You have to have an indomitable spirit to leave the house everyday and face the world because everywhere you look you can easily find all the ways you don't measure up. This is not news. All women know this. Expectations have been placed on us forever and ever. At least we are are talking about it now. Companies are even trying to change society's mindset about what defines beauty. The word is out.

Yet a struggle recognized is still a struggle. It lingers.

It's in the home, in the workplace, the church, our families, it's everywhere.

I'm not wise enough to say when or how it will end. Will it? All I have is my story and the 13-year-old girl deep inside who honestly still wants to be the beauty. She will continue to struggle to believe beauty is something she can claim as hers, but I'm so thankful she fights. She was shy and she was brave. She kept going to school, kept showing up, kept trying, kept, in the smallest of ways, believing in herself and that frustrated, angry and almost defeated 13-year-old girl got me to today. She's led the way to acceptance, confidence, and loads of joy.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So. What's a middle-aged woman to do?

Keep showing up. Keep fighting and despite aging skin, weight gain, and dark circles under my eyes, keep being brave, keep accepting myself, keep growing my confidence and choosing joy in all things, for her, for me, for my daughters, and for my soon to be granddaughter.

There it is.

True Beauty.

Amen.