I. Don't. Know.

It's Saturday. I don't have to get myself together and leave the house. No work. No make-up. No fashion choices. I'm in leggings, my hair is just whatever and I probably should shower but maybe later.

It's been quite the week. Last week was Thanksgiving, my work week was only two days, the kids were around, I sent my middle daughter off on Sunday morning, back to her home, to her job, to all of the things she does and is, with tears in her eyes. How did you spend your Sunday after Thanksgiving? I made my precious girl cry.

Thursday rolled around. I had Bible Study with some fabulous twenty-something women I have had the privilege of meeting with this Fall. They are simply amazing and our group has been the biggest blessing I've walked into in a long while. So, in the midst of our conversation I stated, "no one knows what they're doing in their twenties, " which in hindsight, as I recall the looks on their faces, was probably not the wisest of words to share with them in that particular moment.

Sunday I made my sweet girl cry. Thursday I basically told a precious group of women who are doing their best to make it through this chapter of their lives that they know nothing.

Well done me. Here's to ending Thanksgiving weekend for your daughter with cutting words. Here's to messing up an opportunity to instill confidence and validate a precious group of twenty-something women who are hungry for their Saviour and for knowing the best way to live out their faith. Well done. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

What is actually wrong with me? I'm a 54-year old woman. Why am I not smarter or wiser? I should know stuff right? I mean a little bit of stuff. At the very least I should have tact draped around my neck like a precious keepsake. Should I not, "have faithful instruction on my tongue" like that dang woman in Proverbs 31,and be giving off a fragrance of wisdom, strength, dignity, as I find myself laughing at the days to come? I don't. I am not fragrant, strong, dignified or particularly jolly right now. I just stink.

This is not news to me. This isn't my first rodeo. I seem to continually say and do stupid. And yet, this week, when faced with my obvious imperfection I'm shocked. Yes. Shocked. "Wait. What just happened here? Did I really just say that?" And when the only answer is, "Yes. Yes you really, truly just said that," I'm shocked. Still. Still shocked. And unteachable. And unwise. And apparently not a wife of noble character. Whatever King Lemuel of Proverbs 31. Whatever.

What is actually happening?

Can I please blame it on perimenopause? Foggy brain? Hot flashes? Menobelly? Something?

No. I don't think I can. I mean I would really like to, I truly would, and please don't think for a minute that my brain has not scrambled to come up with some explanation but it can't. I can't. I can't blame my 'unwiseness' on anyone or anything except for me. Filth spilled out of me this past week and now, someone in my brain, I guess it's me, is saying, "Clean up on aisle 5, Clean up on aisle 5 please. Please hurry. There's poopy stuff."

I have got to figure out how to clean up my filth.

How do you clean up hurt? How do you reel in floating words?

Can you tell I've been thinking about this? Stewing? I came up with zero excuses and honestly I'm surprised at what did come to mind.

Ready? Here goes.

What would it feel like to be affirmed?

Is it my generation, my family, my being a middle child, my faith tradition or just me who feels affirmation has not been a thing my life has been brimming with? Please. I don't want to spend any time on "woe is me." Yuck. Not my thing. Not productive, and yet here I go. What would it feel like, sound like, even taste like, to hear someone precious tell me I'm good and actually believe them?

Do you believe people when they say good things about you? Have you figured out how to toss away the chaff of flattery and hold on to the grains of praise?

Why do these thoughts come to mind as I'm processing my filth of the past week?

I think it may have something to do with rest. I think it may have something to do with our culture's obsession with do and do and do. "Do this, do that, a rule for this, a rule for that, a little here, a little there" (Isaiah 28:10). What do you think?

Perhaps it is exactly the sentiments expressed in America Ferrera's Barbie speech.

Can any woman of any age listen to these words and not want to stand up and say "Halleluhah! Amen?"

Here's what I've landed on. It is most likely unwise and undignified but it is where my thoughts have gone as I've attempted to process.

I'm tired and kinda sad. I thought I'd be better at this point in my life. I do not want to cause anyone hurt or harm. It feels as if all my life I've been keeping on, holding on, marching on, moving forward, always moving, do good, do better, do, you can do it, don't give up, and I'm tired and frustrated. As I say this, as I type out these words my mind imagines God looking down at me and seeing his most spoiled, ungrateful child ever. "Really child? Is that the best you can do?" And then the picture shifts and He is directly in front of me and my ungrateful self seizes the moment to ask for just one more thing.

" Lord, I could really use a YES. Like today. Like a miraculous YES. Like finally a positive answer to a prayer. I'm talking an answer that I wouldn't have to search for, or have faith in or wonder if it was truly an answer. I'm talking a resounding YES! It would feel like affirmation, as if you truly see me and hear me and I could really use that right now. I know. I know. It's not how it works. It's bad theology. Stinky thinking. Nonsensical, illogical and anal. And yet it could be colossal and even supernatural. Who doesn't need some supernatural now and then? I mean I could. I could really use some supernatural. Am I rambling Lord? I don't need to ramble. I don't mean to be selfish and ungrateful. I hate hurting those I love. How do I get back to , 'and it was very good' (Genesis 1:31)? How do I orient my life to being instead of doing? What does it look like to give you my burdens? To take on your reportedly easy yoke? I want rest. I want to learn from you. I want to be gentle and humble in heart. I want rest. Oh Lord how I want rest. Oh and by the way, do you see me?"

Was that a prayer, a rant or am I rambling? Am I being ridiculous? Am I putting too much stock into my words? Maybe what I thought was filth and hurt went unnoticed. If God doesn't hear me does anyone actually hear me?

I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! I never know and honestly, I would like some knowing. Some deep down to the bones knowing.

And that's what I've got. No happy ending or solid answer or words of wisdom. I'll leave those for the Proverbs 31 woman. However, I cannot leave here without a tiny hint of light and guess where I found some. Yep. Proverbs.

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart. ...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and

lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:3-6)

I may be an unwise, undignified, spewer of filth who could use some affirmation and a resounding YES, but I am also a woman determined to hold onto the love and faithfulness of a precious Saviour even during times when I don't fully feel it, understand it, and don't know anything about anything.

Cheers King Lemuel.

The end.

Amen.